Not Really An Update

I've had a few requests asking for an update on our next adoption... there haven't been any posts because there hasn't been anything to report. We have put in the paperwork, we're waiting on our home study, and then even after that there will be plenty of waiting. And waiting. And waiting.

I will become very good at waiting.

One More Time

Thanksgiving has come and gone. Today is "black Friday" and all the crazy people are out there shopping. Not being that particular variety of crazy, I am at home on my computer instead. (Believe me, I am all kinds of crazy -- just not shopper crazy.)

For the purposes of this blog, I am going to focus on my thankfulness as regards our adoption -- so here we go:

I am thankful for my little family.
I am thankful for all the grandparents of my children, who accepted Chrissy as their own without a moment's hesitation.
I am thankful for all the aunts and uncles who were equally supportive.
I am thankful for all the cousins who run around like crazy people and play whenever we get together with them.
I am thankful for great-aunts and uncles who have hosted us in their homes and offered not only support but sometimes very helpful advice, knowing they can get away with this much easier than the grandparents (ha ha).
I am thankful for the fact that our youngest daughter is actually attaching and relaxing and is showing definite signs of truly and fully feeling like a Pizzuto.
I am thankful for supportive friends who have been a sounding board, a shoulder to cry on, and someone to laugh with when there's just nothing else you can do.
I am thankful for Children's Home Society and the post-adoption support they provide.
I am thankful, most of all, for my God who takes care of all my needs (including emotional ones), sometimes through seemingly miraculous intervention, sometimes using the above stated family members and friends.

How fitting that on Thanksgiving week we had a family powwow... something we only do when there's something decidedly important we need to discuss. And in this family powwow we discussed whether or not we have the desire and the ability to enlarge our family once again through adoption. Being thankful for all the blessings God has given, it only seemed right to share with some more people -- and with everybody voting yes (admittedly with each child placing a different "order" for a sibling), we sent in the paperwork on Wednesday to get the whole messy process started all over again.

I guess it's kind of like being at the amusement park. Sometimes, when the roller coaster ride rolls to a complete stop and there's nobody in line behind you, you just stay on the train and let it pull out of the station one more time.

I wish, I wish, I wish....

Sometimes I don't think enough. Sometimes I think too much. Why can't I get it just right? But here I sit, thinking again...

Our adoption journey has been a wild ride. There have been some seriously good times. There have been some seriously bad times. Regardless of the difficulties, I say I would do this all over again in a heartbeat. Painful, sure... but definitely worth it all.

And then I think. I think some more. And I think... if it's worth it, and if I'd do it all over again, why aren't I? We have space. I have a little more to give... So it's a consideration. Right?

Then... I think some more. And it's not like I'm just sitting around, pondering. There are things that are bringing the subject up in my life again. Perhaps because it's around adoption awareness month, but through the month of October there were so many things I listen to on the radio that addressed the issue. And it tugs at my heart.

Did you know that every year about 30,000 children "age out" of the foster care system? When I think about what that means, I hurt. That means that each and every day, about 82 kids are handed their bag of things and told that they are on their own. Imagine being 18 years old, not having had a constant in your life helping you to grow and learn how to deal with life and people, and suddenly being completely responsible for everything in your life - with no support system. Imagine having nobody at your high school graduation. Your wedding. Nobody to share in the joy of having a family of your own.

Granted, some of these kids will pull themselves up, get a job, get going in their lives, find somebody special, and be included in that family. I'm sure that happens occasionally. But I'm just as certain that it's not the norm.

Nearly half of the children in foster care are over the age of 10. Oftentimes, children who are older are split from their younger siblings because older children are considered to be "less adoptable." People are, understandably, afraid of taking on the responsibility of a teenager who already has some bad habits, some serious behavioral issues, and possibly some mental health issues.

But these young people are - often even if they're placed in a foster family - alone. There are some great foster families out there, don't get me wrong. But there are some not-so-great fosters out there, too. And as children get bounced through the system, they get more difficult to place in a healthy environment. More bouncing usually equals greater injury to the bouncee which equals more challenging behaviors which equals "difficult to place." Imagine becoming free for adoption and then being told that you'll likely not be "chosen" by a family because of your age... and imagine being told that your younger siblings will have an easier time being adopted without you.

I cannot be the only person who thinks the plight of these children is worth our time and energy and effort. How in heaven's name can we help these children realize their potential? Because the one thing I know for sure is that I cannot take them all.

Wonderful Life

It has been a shamefully long time since I have updated this blog!! Our Chrissy turned 11 - and had her skating party. A party at the roller rink appears to be an annual tradition, which is fine with me. I've always loved skating. :)

I've gotta tell you - adoption is a wonderful, beautiful, challenging adventure. It's funny... you sign up, you go through the classes, they teach you all kinds of things that are essential, and then there you are. You have a child placed in your home, your home changes and flexes and bends (almost to the breaking point at times) and you realize that you didn't really listen well enough in the classes.

We have wonderful support from Children's Home Society (an organization which I would highly recommend to anyone interested in adoption -- post adoption services have been so helpful).

I confess that I thought I had this parenting gig down. Nothing like having children teach you that you have a lot left to learn! Our experience is one I wouldn't trade away for anything. I'll take it all, the good and the bad, and learn from it... and hopefully become a better mother and person in the process.

The kids are quickly getting older. Barak is starting to drive, Riana goes to high school next year, and Chrissy only has one year left at the elementary school. The years are passing by quickly (and with so much packed into them) that it's sometimes hard to remember to sit back and enjoy them. Every once in a while, it's necessary to just pull back and say -- HEY -- remember what this is all about?? Family?!? C'mon, let's have some FUN.

This summer, though... now THAT'S going to be some good times. We have multiple family trips scheduled, we are going to be seeing lots of family all over the country, and my Aunt and Uncle in Texas are going to meet Chrissy for the first time. We have weddings, graduations, parties, and more. It's going to be busy -- but delightfully so.

Life is still well here. Challenging? You bet. Chaotic? Oh, yes... sometimes ridiculously so. But beautiful? Definitely. It really is -- no matter how cliched this may sound -- a wonderful life.

OURS!!

It's been a crazy month! Vacation (which is supposed to be relaxing, but rarely is), catching up once home (which is never relaxing, no matter how it's done), getting ready for back to school (which is crazy even if you don't do your shopping on tax-free weekend, which I did), and various other activities made for a month of fun insanity.

We got back from vacation to the news that the paperwork had not all been completed for our adoption, much to our dismay. This news sent Chrissy into a tailspin of emotional turmoil - evident at the slightest provocation (and sometimes evident at no provocation whatsoever). New family dynamics, adoption, security (or lack thereof), the system, a general feeling of powerlessness... all these things add up to "extreme discomfort."

BUT... yes, a big but. But she's ours now. Word came today - the documents were official as of yesterday. August 9th is our big day to celebrate, the day that our family legally became a family of five. I got the phone call from our attorney while driving home with Chrissy in the seat next to me. After I got off the phone, I told her the news... and normally it's not a happy thing when your child screams in the car, but I made an exception in this particular case. It was a happy scream... on a happy occasion... hard to be annoyed. :) Then, we pulled into the driveway and I must say - I have never - no NEVER - seen a child run so fast in my life. She couldn't wait to get inside and tell Barak and Riana.

So here we are. The Pizzuto clan. All five of us.

Look out, world.

Three Goobers

Chrissy and Barak on the carousel at LARK Toys

A family photo op at Gooseberry Falls, MN

Time Flies

How did it get to be July already?? Well, here we are -- summer is moving fast!

We're all enjoying our time off school. Lots of lake time, playing in the rain, library visits, movie watching, sleep overs, sculpey, rip-sticking, bike riding, out-to-eating, grilling, boating, tree climbing, and fort making. Whew! I think I might need a nap...

Another bee-sting experience provided extra bonding time for the whole family last weekend. When Jan gets stung, our world stops and everybody shows him how much we need him around. Christian was able to join in on the action this time, making it a full-family bonding experience. While Jan was laid up, he enjoyed the extra attention and service so much he commented that he might have to get stung more often. I almost hit him.

All the kids are horseback riding still, and loving every minute of it. They are all going to horse camp in August.

We're looking forward to our trip to Minnesota and Wisconsin this month. It's coming fast and I have lots to do in order to be ready to go! But it's high time to introduce Christian to her extended family. Cousins, look out... here she comes!

Today is a relatively big day for us. Jan and I are signing our "Petition for Adoption of a Minor Child." This is the official document that will be filed with the court. It seems like such a silly thing to get excited about... signing a paper. But it's one step closer to things being official and I'm completely stoked. Truth be told, our methods are slightly anticlimactic... we're corresponding with our lawyer via mail because she's a good distance away. So we get the documents in the mail, take them to the bank and sign them before a notary public. Getting our daughter from a bank seems just weird, but hey. Whatever works.

I've learned a few things...

1. Patience IS a virtue. I'm still trying to achieve it.

2. Growing one's family via adoption has it's unique challenges.

3. I did not fully understand what I was getting into.

4. I would not take our decision to adopt back for all the tea in China.

5. It does not take very long to feel like a child is mine.

6. I have the three most wonderful kids on the planet. (Don't even bother to argue with me on this one. I'm like a brick wall here.)

To our northern family and friends, we can't wait to see all of you!

Sisters

Sisters on the tube!

Playin' in the rain...

Just back from evening fishing.

The three best kids in the world.

Lots of good times at the Pizzuto house... and out of the Pizzuto house! Barak had a birthday, so we went to Carowinds (at his request). It was Christian's first time at an amusement park, and she had a blast. The little stinker wore some high shoes to make herself taller so she would be able to go on all the rides. And they let her!! There were a few rides that gave her pause, but she tackled them anyway.

We've road-tripped to Savannah, GA. We spent time at the beach on Tybee Island (beautiful beaches there), toured a little bit of historic Savannah, went out to eat (of course), and relaxed at the hotel pool. The seafood was awesome... (flounder, anyone??? MMMMMM... or how about some crab?), and although we crammed all five of us into one hotel room, we managed to survive. Isn't that the true test of family, after all?

Of course, the car ride is made more pleasant by the DVD player in the van. Three kids, engrossed in a movie, riding for two hours without arguing or playing super loud in a small, confined space... How great is that?!?

Lest anyone think that our children are in any way lacking personality, I offer up the next picture as evidence to the contrary. All I wanted was a picture of the three of them... a NICE picture. But NO!! They have to be all... childish. Having fun. Being crazy. As if a dose of childish insanity is what makes a Pizzuto a Pizzuto... or - wait. I guess that kind of IS what makes a Pizzuto a Pizzuto. I stand corrected...

But here we are - three months into our journey as a family of five. And we're not only well suited to each other... it goes beyond that. We're tightly woven, connected, and our family is further strengthened by the addition of one more. Add that to the fact that Jan is absolutely giddy about getting me to pose more frequently for family pictures and we have a winning combination!

*Sigh...* So, now... I have two months to wait before our next vacation. How will I have fun between now and then?? How about filing in court for adoption? Sounds like a PLAN!! :)

Family of Five

Just another crazy week at the Pizzuto house. We had family come in from Minnesota, Jan came down with Bronchitis, we had Easter, and we're on spring break! And who doesn't love spring break??

We are feeling like a five person family now. We are no longer the four of us... with a guest. But, frankly, we haven't been that for some time. Now we're looking ahead to court processes being started, a change from a foster worker to an adoption worker with DSS (although, Wendy, we will miss you if you don't keep coming over!), and - finally - an end to the waiting for things to be final. Christian needs the stability of finalization, and we're excited about that feeling, too.

We spent some time out on the boat -- can you believe that the weather has been so amiable in the beginning of April?? But it HAS!! And the kids have had a wonderful spring break, filled with swimming in an icy cold lake, boating, playing in the MUD... yes, mud... jumping on the trampoline, hiking in the woods, and all those other wonderful things that children should be doing for fun. :)

The kids have all started their horseback riding lessons -- and they're doing excellently. They are looking forward to a week of horse camp this summer.

So lots of positive experiences... we all enjoyed very much our visit with Kathy, Miranda and Wynnie... and it was fun to see more of the local family as well over the Easter holiday. I've welcomed the break from school, and now - after this week - I'm looking forward to summer vacation! This relaxed atmosphere is where it's at! I'm going to have to start lobbying for shorter school days with a later start, I'm thinkin'.

All in all, things are wonderful. Our family of five is lovin' life. Thanks to all of you for following along on our adventure, for your support and encouragement, and for your interest in our lives.

As Normal As We Get

I think it's safe to say it's official. We've settled in. Things have started to feel "normal." And yes, for those of you who know me well, I can already hear the jokes about my lack of normalcy.

Adoption is a strange thing... because who, other than an adoptive parent, can start to relax once the kids begin to bicker? But in reality, the little bickering shows me that they are beginning to really feel like siblings. That is, after all, the goal. And when Christian comes to me and says, "What's the matter with him?? He's makin' me so mad!" I must say, I rejoice. She not only feels comfortable enough to get mad, she's cool with telling me about it as well! (Not that Christian telling me about something is unique or new... she certainly does know how to speak her mind.)

Life in the Pizzuto house has settled down to a dull roar. (Okay, sometimes the roar isn't all that dull and I'm still tempted by the idea of earplugs.) But we're all more used to one another now, knowing more what to expect in different situations. The uncomfortable feeling of just not knowing each other at all is gone -- and now it's that usual life-long process of continuing to learn and grow together.

To put it short, we're not only a family, we also feel like a family. It's a good thing.

And now, for the pictures....

The girls decided to play dress-up for a bit last weekend. They had a blast:

And what a hoot to take them to the store with me... they spent a good fifteen minutes trying on all different kinds of glasses. I even got the information from Christian that she thinks it's rotten luck that she has good eyesight. She wants some glasses.

Two incredibly active kids have a grand time getting their energy out on the trampoline. They're crazy, but they're fun!

Settlin' In

The bunk beds are here and put together, the dressers arrived, things have been moved, stuff has been stored, school has begun, sicknesses cured... so it seems we're settling in. It's hard to believe that it's been over two weeks since I've found time to write -- but then again, not so hard to believe.

Christian had a birthday... we celebrated with some family, then took her to her first trip ever to Chuck E Cheese. Fun was had by all! On top of the celebrations, family members from far away sent gifts as well! She had great fun getting all the gifts and mail.

We've taken a trip to the Science Center, to the movie theater, twice to the bowling alley... we've had snowfalls, the puke flu, and strep throat. We've gone to doctor appointments, to school, to homeschool co-op sign up... and still we've found time to get Christian organized into her new shared room with Riana. It's a crazy life, I tell ya! My house is a mess, but we're happy.

The kids are beginning to settle in like siblings. They all get along marvelously (which, I guess, is not so much like siblings)... Barak spends time with Christian helping her with her homework, playing outside, sharing his legos, playing with her horses, and basically getting his social fix every single day. He feels like he died and went to heaven.

Riana is enjoying some alone time, but is going and playing with the other kids when she wants. It's a newfound freedom for her... there isn't anybody constantly harassing her to do things she doesn't want to do, but she's frequently invited to play and always welcome.

Barak and Christian share an energy level that is unequalled by anybody else living in this particular house. I'm sure there are children out there with a higher level of insane play, but this is a new experience for me. They feed off each other and sometimes the noise level in the house gets quite high. I have spent a small (very small) amount of time wondering if earplugs would make me a bad mother.

The reality of it is, there's plenty of work left to do in adjusting to our new family. There are more of us now... more personalities, more quirks, more rambunctiousness... but there is more love, more creativity, more hilarity (yes, you should hear some of the things she will say), and more meaning. I wouldn't take this back for anything in the world -- we love her already and can't imagine not having her.

Now if I could just get the elementary school to start one hour later... I really do love my sleep - and this super-early rising is just... not for me.

Ahhh... yawn... ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

What's a Move-In Date??

As you can see from the pictures, Christian has quite a personality on her! Every time I tried to get a shot, she would smile sweetly and then - at the very last minute - make a goofy face. It wasn't until Riana started to get super goofy with her that she couldn't control the laughter. But here is a picture of the girls:

And here is a picture of all three kids:

Christian had her "weekend visit" which has simply been changed to she's "here to stay." Who needs a move in date when she's already moved in, right? So, she doesn't have to go back to her previous placement, not even for one night.

What a weekend we have had, too!! We got a serious load of snow dumped on us both Friday and Saturday. I spent most of my weekend washing and drying play-clothes for outside. I had three kids coming in and out, in and out... out long enough to get cold, in long enough to drink hot chocolate. I'm sure you can see where I got tired of laundry. But snow is a pretty rare occurrence here in NC, so you can hardly blame them.

There were many questions from Christian over the weekend about timing. How long did she get to stay? When would she come back? Did she have to wait to come back until she was adopted? And the list goes on... For some questions, I had answers. For some - I had nothing to offer but a hug with an assurance that I would do what I could to find an answer for her. Telling her she was here to stay was priceless. Have you ever had a hug from a child that was so tight you weren't sure if your insides were being squeezed out? Yes, THAT hug. I got one.

I have three children. I know she's not legally ours - not yet. But she's ours all the same.

Friends and family, meet our Christian!

What a Change in Me!

(by Jan Pizzuto)

What a process this has been! It's amazing, heartbreaking, and insightful to learn what these children go through who are in the care of Social Services.

I am honored and thrilled to have Christian with us for her first visit. She is vivacious, open, and likes to smile. She's absolutely adorable. I'm looking forward to the days ahead.

It's amazing to me that just a couple years ago, I said a very definite No when Jodi expressed interest in adopting. I've already had kids. I don't need to make my life any more complicated, I thought.

Then one day, it dawned on me that this wasn't just a passing fancy for Jodi. This was a dream of hers. She's always been good about supporting my dreams, so I began to think and pray about it. Gradually, I gave way a little at a time (I'm rather stubborn and thick-skulled, you know) until one day, I agreed to go through the certification process.

We agreed that we'd just get certified, and then if God sent some kids our way, we'd know he wanted us to do this. I guess I pictured kids showing up in a basket on the doorstep or something of the sort.

The classes were excellent, and I learned a good deal about parenting. I'd recommend the classes for new parents or prospective parents: they are eye-opening.

Some of these children experience horrendous, wrenching changes in their lives. Imagine you are a child, and a social worker shows up at your house, instructs you to gather your belongings-no more than a bag of stuff, and takes you away from your family. You don't know if you'll ever see them again. Even for a child who has negligent or abusive parents, this sudden separation is incredibly traumatic!

These children then enter the system where they are sent generally to multiple foster homes. Some of these experiences are good and some are not so good, but these are only temporary situations and they don't allow the child to put down roots.

Some of these kids then are returned home to their families. Others are put up for adoption. In both of these situations, things do not always go smoothly. I wish I could say that every time a child was adopted out, they were met with loving, patient arms and there was a happy ending, but I can't say that.

Some of these kids end up getting rejected by their adoptive families as well! Can you imagine after being rejected by your birth parents, you were rejected by your adoptive family as well? What kind of neuroses this would create, I can only imagine. We have been following a case of a sibling group; a boy and girl who after being rejected many times, have now been split from each other and are being adopted out separately! The only constant they have had in life was eachother, and now that's being taken away from them too.

So sometimes the system itself does damage. In our case, we were fortunate to have a good social worker. In fact, everyone with whom we worked directly has been very kind.

Jodi has done a great job of helping me appreciate and enjoy kids. She is great at being open with them about expectations, about seeing their strengths, and loving them through it all. She is also good at just being playful. She's a kid-magnet and always has been.

Between Jodi and the adoption process, I have flat-out changed. I find myself falling in love with kids everywhere I go, wanting to take them home with me. I appreciate them- their spunk, their forthrightness, and their energy.

I've gone from not wanting to adopt, to truly looking forward to it.

Any of you dads out there who are concerned about adoption, give it time, and be open to the possibility. It's a chance to change lives, both of kids and of your own.

Any worries I had about disrupting what I considered to be our perfect family are being quickly dispelled. In fact, I see our family changing, but it's for the better. I've watched our children undergo some of the same change I have experienced through the process. Their hearts have gone out to these children and they have been willing to sacrifice a lot to help them- I'm so proud of their thoughtfulness and patience.

Adoption requires a huge leap of faith, but what a unique chance to grow and learn to love more fully! God has done some amazing work in my heart. What a change in me He has wrought.

The Big Day

Today is the big day. Christian comes to visit our family for the entire weekend. She should be here this morning... such excitement that has been in this house. Barak couldn't sleep last night and I found him reading with his head lamp on (yes, he has a work-light that straps to his head). Riana was bouncing off the walls as I put her to bed last night, even though she's just gotten over the flu. Jan was telling me a few times last night how excited he was for the weekend.

I was saying Riana is getting over the flu?? Yes, well -- that's a story. I made phone calls like crazy on Tuesday, trying to find a way for us to meet Christian before the weekend. I was looking at it from a child's point of view and thinking how scary it must be to know for a whole week (light years in child-speak) that you're going to stay for a whole weekend (centuries) with some people you've never seen, never talked to... and I started to worry about her. SO... many phone calls and emails later, we had phone visitation. And one more discussion got us an in-person visit scheduled for... the very next day.

Such excitement was abounding in the Pizzuto house! Woo-hoo! We were all going to pile in the car, go to the DSS office, and meet her... talk to her. Get to know her a little. And then it happened. In the middle of the night, Riana started throwing up and didn't stop -- all night long. One exhausting night, a morning in bed... and Riana was up and in the bathtub, trying to get ready to meet her new sister. She was a trooper. She was determined. She was... sick. She gave up, crying, and said she couldn't go.

Jan graciously insisted on staying home with Riana, and Barak and I went to meet her.

She's wonderful. Funny, talkative, easy to engage... she says everything that comes into her head! How can you not like a child like that? To never have to wonder what's going on inside there... perfect! Barak brought along the Connect 4x4 and within two minutes they were on the floor playing game after game.

Christian expressed disappointment when our visiting time was over. And she came to me and quietly said, "Maybe... if it snows... they'll let me come to your house Thursday instead! That way, I can stay longer."

So it seems my worries about her being afraid were unfounded. But it was still wonderful to have a chance to meet her. And now the day has arrived where the whole family will not only meet her - but live with her for a weekend.

And then... another post.

Moving Fast

Next weekend is the big weekend. We get to meet our new daughter - she will be staying with us from Friday afternoon to Sunday afternoon.

According to my social worker, DSS is pushing for a move-in date. They had wanted to move her in next weekend without a visit, but our SW has our back. She wouldn't allow that. Whew!! She did warn me, though, that DSS will be pushing for a move-in date after the weekend.

I guess I shouldn't have complained so much about how I hate the "wait and see" stuff. I am apparently not going to get any more of that at all!!

No More Wait

The news has arrived. We were the "chosen ones!!" We are going to have a new daughter! Barak and Riana are bouncing off the walls in their excitement, and I have to admit that I'm pretty stoked, too. Not only are we out of the wait and see phase, but she should be living with us fairly soon.

Hopefully, it won't be too long and I'll be able to post some new family pictures!

Confusion... serious confusion

You know... "wait and see" gets pretty old after a while. When I said we were back to "wait and see," I didn't think it would last this long. But we still do not have word on which family is/was chosen for that little girl. I suppose there were some mitigating circumstances which could be affecting the rapidity of the process. The little girl's social worker was quite pregnant and was rushing around to get things done before she went on maternity leave. It's quite possible that her baby came a few days early... but the long and short of it is, we still do not know.

But our social worker called us yesterday and asked us if we would consider the possibility of a sibling group of three. And... so we're back to square one? I have no idea.

I do have to say, it's very strange to become emotionally connected to a child I've never met -- only to be wrenched this way and that, back and forth... and then introduced to the idea of different children... to become somewhat emotionally connected to them as well. There are limits, people -- we can't take them all. How much heart can get ripped out of a person?

So - the latest news is that we're back to "wait and see" and we're still at "wait and see."

I guess we'll have to wait... and see.

Two Blogs in One

There has been a lot going on this last week! First of all, a week ago today we found out that we were being considered as a family for a little girl. We were interviewed on Thursday and should find out tomorrow if we have been chosen. The girl's social worker said that she received 35 family profiles, she narrowed it down from 35 to three... and then ruled one of those families out due to distance. So it was between us and one other family. Our interview went well -- so we will just wait and see.

Then, we were alerted on Friday that there was a two year old boy needing respite care for the weekend. We shrugged and said, "Sure... why not?" So we had a very active two year old for the weekend. And we learned something important about ourselves. We had known that fostering was probably not for us... but even planned respite care is too hard on us emotionally. We had a child for two days -- and handing him off was heart-wrenching. NOT GOOD.

SO... lots going on. We'll know more tomorrow. We're back to "wait-and-see."

The Waiting Continues

So we've established that I'm not very good at waiting patiently. I like to be active... I like to get where I'm going (you should see me on road trips - it's scary).

So far, my activity has gotten me precisely nowhere. I will get on the internet and find a sibling group which catches my interest. I'll inquire... and inquire... and inquire... seriously - getting information is like pulling teeth long distance. And the system is... not efficient. After a month of trying to get info on one particular group of children, I finally got word that their status had changed and they might be going back to their birth family instead being adopted. Great for them if it all works out -- not so good for them if it's just game-playing and they end up right back where they started.

Anyway, I found out that there really isn't a good way to find out what children are waiting for homes. Yes, you can go to adoptuskids.org and find a number of children, but the children on there aren't even the tip of the iceberg. For example, if you do a general search on the website of children from North Carolina (where we live) you will find (today) 134 cases. But there are over 10,500 children in foster care in NC, about 1/3 of which need adoptive homes. That's a large number of children looking for a permanent family.

So, I did what any person who likes to be active and hates waiting would do. I made up a flyer telling about our family and showing a couple pictures of us... and I e-blasted it out to all 100 county DSS offices along with our info and our social worker's info. (I'll be she just loves me now, right?)

Long story short, I did that yesterday -- and yesterday our social worker got a call asking if we would be interested in adopting four boys. Aaaaand... we can't. First of all, because I value my husband's sanity - and secondly because we traded in the Venture (which would have seated that many children) for a Saturn Relay (which only has seating for 7). This effectively limits us to adopting a sibling group of three at the most. You have no idea how happy my husband is that he bought me that new car right about now!

But now, once again, I wait. And with nothing to do. Because I can hardly e-blast those poor people twice!

There's No Place Like... Home?

One of the things we can do in our quest to enlarge our family via adoption is to go to what they call "matching events." I went to my first one this week, and the experience is not one I will soon forget.

A matching event is where social workers bring "waiting children" to meet "waiting families" in the hopes that a family will fall in love with a child they met and pursue them through their social worker. This particular event was a little bit like speed dating, actually. The children sat at tables, and the prospective families were to sit and talk with the children until the organizer of the event told them to switch tables and talk to another child.

I left there with a broken heart. The children at this event ranged in ages -- the youngest being about eight and the oldest being around sixteen. I met kids who have been a part of the system for a while... who came to the event with the attitude that this event would be just like all the others - nobody wanted them before and nobody would want them now. For some, this was the first time they had come to an event and you could see in their body language excitement and a determination that they were going to find a new family today.

For some, the experiences of their lives had left them shattered and broken with still no one to pick up the pieces. For some, they had a sweetness that would not be quenched. And still others were doing their level-headed best at their tender ages to learn from the mistakes of their parents and never touch drugs, alcohol, etc... because they have seen what it can do.

But what struck me the most at this event was the number of children who actively tried to "sell themselves" to me. I had children tell me they don't eat much, they keep their area clean and neat, they don't drink, they want to be successful... I had children ask me questions about myself and then exclaim how much we had in common. There was not a child I met there who didn't merit a closer look.

Maybe it's that I have such an affinity for children that I found them all to be lovable in their own way... but I left there with the firm conviction that every child needs somebody to love them and call their own. And I cannot take them all.

The system is set up to remove children from the physically and/or emotionally dangerous situations life has dealt to them... but then they are further emotionally traumatized by the system itself. Can you imagine being a child -- relatively helpless, emotionally bruised, not knowing who or what to trust -- and having to go to events where you meet a number of families, pick your favorite, and find out that you're not going home with them, either?

Children are just short versions of all the rest of us. Put yourselves in their shoes... and what would you do?

Learning About Ourselves

You know, it's funny. I really thought that once I was finished with all the hoop jumping, things would get easier. You know, just sit back and relax while someone else does the work... I'm learning that this is not my comfort zone. I much prefer to be the one responsible for getting things done -- that way, I know exactly where we're at, I know the drill, I do what I can and there's very little waiting involved.

It was last weekend that I got online and did the one thing I said I would not do. I "shopped" for children. Yes, it sounds horrible -- and no, they're not on eBay. They are on adoptuskids.com, though... and you can browse children all across the fruited plain. I was just being curious, though. I wasn't shopping with serious intent. Until I saw these adorable little children who reminded me of a story I had heard... so I notified our social worker. It's Friday now and I still have no clue if these children have been placed. Hmphf.

I hate waiting. (This, to be taken as written, needs to be spoken in a slight Spanish accent as was done by Inigo Montoya in "The Princess Bride.")

But I realized something about myself in this so far. I have gotten married. I have moved across the country numerous times. I have birthed two children. I have changed jobs, churches, and various other ventures. Life has been full of changes for me, both big and small. But these changes have always been things over which I had some influence. I orchestrated the moves, I did the packing, I planned a wedding, and yes... I participated in the creating of the children. The only thing in there that I had very little control over was childbirth -- and, I must confess, with both of my pregnancies I was induced (probably because I got tired of "waiting," who knows?).

I have issues.

This is good for me, the waiting.

Sometimes things that are good for us are not fun or comfortable.

I'm growing up. I'm thirty eight years old, and I'm finally growing up.