Learning About Ourselves

You know, it's funny. I really thought that once I was finished with all the hoop jumping, things would get easier. You know, just sit back and relax while someone else does the work... I'm learning that this is not my comfort zone. I much prefer to be the one responsible for getting things done -- that way, I know exactly where we're at, I know the drill, I do what I can and there's very little waiting involved.

It was last weekend that I got online and did the one thing I said I would not do. I "shopped" for children. Yes, it sounds horrible -- and no, they're not on eBay. They are on adoptuskids.com, though... and you can browse children all across the fruited plain. I was just being curious, though. I wasn't shopping with serious intent. Until I saw these adorable little children who reminded me of a story I had heard... so I notified our social worker. It's Friday now and I still have no clue if these children have been placed. Hmphf.

I hate waiting. (This, to be taken as written, needs to be spoken in a slight Spanish accent as was done by Inigo Montoya in "The Princess Bride.")

But I realized something about myself in this so far. I have gotten married. I have moved across the country numerous times. I have birthed two children. I have changed jobs, churches, and various other ventures. Life has been full of changes for me, both big and small. But these changes have always been things over which I had some influence. I orchestrated the moves, I did the packing, I planned a wedding, and yes... I participated in the creating of the children. The only thing in there that I had very little control over was childbirth -- and, I must confess, with both of my pregnancies I was induced (probably because I got tired of "waiting," who knows?).

I have issues.

This is good for me, the waiting.

Sometimes things that are good for us are not fun or comfortable.

I'm growing up. I'm thirty eight years old, and I'm finally growing up.